How to Deal with a Parent Who is a Narcissist

Know what kind of Narcissism You’re Dealing With

There are several types of narcissism- the one that has been discussed a lot in recent years is malignant narcissism. This type of narcissism is the most difficult t deal with, and nearly impossible to treat because the person who has it sees only the downside of being treated. They don’t want to live in a world where they aren’t the center of the universe, it holds no appeal. It makes them feel like a “loser” to consider anyone else’s feelings or point of view. To a malignant narcissist, the world is a complex set of zero-sum games. Play with them, and they play to win- and that is all that they care about, even your own parent will reduce you to a number in a calculation of winning.

Another kind of narcissism is the insecure type, this type of narcissism typically is on a continuum with borderline personality disorder, or at the very least, borderline features. That means, that depending on the stimulus, a person who has narcissistic or borderline features could swing to the other extreme when under duress. Borderline features tend to show up when someone feels that they are going to be abandoned, embarrassed, or disconnected from some person, object, or role that provides them with safety and security. A good example is a narcissistic parent who reacts to their adult child moving away. The child provides some identity, safety, or reliability for the parent. Rather than ask the child about ways they can collaborate so that the child can help in the event of an emergency, the parent lashes out, “How can you leave me? I’ve never been able to trust you, you’ve always been so selfish.” This is because the parent is responding to their own attachment wound, and feels better making the child share in the responsibility of the problem.

This last bit is very important. People who have borderline features mixed into their narcissism often need to enmesh in order to feel safe. The narcissist wants to enmesh for their own safety, they aren’t terribly interested in the safety of the person they are enmeshing with. They will want to diffuse their feelings by making someone else at least partially responsible.

For young children, this creates deep fault lines in the personality structure that will need therapeutic attention if that person is to later form healthy attachments. For adult children, it means that they need to find ways to have healthy attachments with others, in order to have the ego strength to stand on their own, and stand up to their narcissistic parent. For most adult children this will mean having clear boundaries and known mechanisms for enforcing them.

Boundaries and Expectations

It is critical that anyone who is exercising their right to boundaries (as anyone with a narcissistic parent needs to learn to do), understand how to use boundaries effectively. Boundaries must always be coupled with expectations, and vice-versa. Boundaries without expectations is tyranny (and a favorite of narcissists) and expectations without boundaries is enmeshment (favored by borderlines). For example, a narcissist with borderline features employing expectations without boundaries will blow up at something that seems inconsequential or that they didn’t communicate. For example, you plan to attend a fun girls’ night with some co-workers, and your father explodes because he had needed you to come over and help with his computer to get his taxes done- but he never discussed it with you, so you couldn’t plan to help him. He just “expected” you to be available. Or perhaps on the other extreme, your mom doesn’t explain that she wants you to park your car in the driveway because her HOA will fine her if you park on the street. She doesn’t tell you about the HOA dues, she just expects you to follow her instruction because she “said so”. The expectation is that her word should be enough for you, and you don’t need context or an explanation.

So when creating boundaries to use with your narcissistic parent, the key is to define the boundary AND the expectations associated with it. “I will not tolerate you calling my children names. If it happens, we will simply gather our things and leave, whether the Thanksgiving Turkey is being served, or we are in the middle of Target buying school supplies.” This is clarity of the boundary, “you may not do X and if you do, this is the consequence, Y”. Expectations also include context, that you have the right to ask your parent to make an effort to understand. “Mom, Jason doesn’t have to hug if he doesn’t want to, we are teaching him that he has bodily autonomy and we want him to make his own decisions about who gets a hug. If he gets caught he always has to hug when he doesn’t want to, it means he is more at risk with other adults we don’t want him to trust.”

Narcissists HATE being included in context. They’ll say that they want to understand, but really- they mostly care about context as it relates to them- not how it relates to you. They will bristle at the context, and the expectations, but an effective boundary includes both.

Types of Boundaries

Number 1 – The Fence

Even therapists aren’t great at discussing boundaries with patients. People often presume that all boundaries are BINARY. Most people think of a boundary as a hard “No”. I tell my clients that there are three primary types of boundaries: Fences, Brick Walls, and the Great Wall of China. Fence boundaries can be picket fences, or another kind of fence- (security fences, pasture fencing, etc) depending on what the boundary is for. For example, you might be more forgiving of a neighbor who is constantly walking into your yard because their old, blind, dog wanders in, as opposed to a neighbor who waltzes into your yard to borrow your hose without asking. Both of those are fence boundaries- how do you want to reinforce them? Maybe with the first neighbor, you’d collaborate on a solution if their dog gets out, a call or a text before coming over. Maybe with the second, you’d actually give them a verbal, then a written warning. Or maybe you’d install some security cameras so you’d know if anything serious were to go missing. Fence boundaries are the kinds that you don’t mind occasionally reminding someone about or defending.

Number 2 – The Brick Wall

Brick wall boundaries are a little more intense. They are intended to give a very clear shape to your expectations. They say, “This boundary is important.” If you put up a brick wall, you are basically saying, “For now, this is a hard NO, though I have the capacity to re-examine the need for this wall later.” A brick wall is structural, but it can be changed. It can be torn down, scaled, or re-purposed. Brick wall boundaries allow you to rest comfortably behind them, with the clarity of having given someone a very simple and affirmative sign of your expectations. Brick wall boundaries might be things like, “you may not insult my children, or spouse” if you do we will leave your home, and it will be at least a week before we talk again.

Number 3- Great Wall of China

This boundary is the absolute NO. This kind of boundary typically means that there is no return from breaching it. With this type of boundary, you’ve usually already given a narcissistic parent the previous two types of options, and they have barreled through them, or blown them up. Breaching this boundary can look like verbal, physical, sexual, emotional, or financial abuse. It is usually something that breaks a bond or is profoundly destructive. There is no real coming back from this breaching this boundary- and for the person who is let in after breaching this last form of a boundary, they are almost never trusted, and always kept at arm’s length.

Getting to Boundaries

A word of caution if you are new to setting boundaries with your narcissistic parent, they are very adept at bypassing boundaries, mocking them, or rolling over them. It will take some practice, and follow-through to make sure that your boundary defenses are believed. That may mean that you have to engage in some uncomfortable behavior that may be a stretch for you. Remember that the narcissistic parent has been a narcissist longer than you’ve been defending your boundaries- they have some skills that they use to protect themselves from having to play by the rules- they will not take your changing things lightly, or well. If you find yourself struggling, seek therapy help from a licensed professional.